Agony Andy’s New Family

My name’s Agony Andy and I love to rollerskate.  A lot. I was never a speed skater, or a graceful artistic skater. No, I was the dork who threw “Private Parties” in my basement featuring 2 friends, my little brother, a strobe light and one singular Michael Jackson cassette tape on the boom box.  I attended every single skating party my school held at Lynwood Roller Rink, even when I was “too old” in 8th grade, or when I had the flu and vomited outside of the front door before entering the rink. After the days when Rollerskating went “out of style,” I had a hard time finding friends to drag to the rink.  Every once in a while I could convince a few people that half-off hot dogs and Top 40 would be their dream come true on a Tuesday night, but more often I was skating alone, either bonding with preteens over our shared Bieber Fever, or blasting Metallica’s Kill Em All in my headphones and seeing if it would make me skate faster. (It did.)

And then: Roller Derby.  Like a beautiful dream come true!

Last summer, I skated in Champaign-Urbana IL, where I met my derby wife, Payne Adams (TCDG).  When I moved to the Chicago area, I contacted Smashley Destructo and asked to be a part of the Outfit.  That was the end of my lonesome days at the rink, and I quickly became a part of the Family.

Joining the Chicago Outfit was like suddenly having whole bunch of really, really cool older sisters.  Being one of the youngest in the league, and a rookie on the track, I love skating with girls that can really show me the ropes, on and off skates.  If the Chicago Outfit was my big sister growing up, I would imagine I’d have had a totally awesome childhood.  Sibling rivalries could be easily settled with a few hipchecks, and I’d have all the benefits of being the little sister of the coolest chicks in Chicago.

Outfit Family at Medieval Times

I’d probably have been borrowing Lola Blow’s accessories and asking Valerie of the Dolls for dating advice, or Queefer Sutherland for advice on how to be popular. Suzie Crotchrot would give my first beers at a thrash metal show, and we’d call our responsible big sister Rogue for a ride home.  Gaygan and Sweet Mary Pain would be waiting for us on the giant trampoline in Barbara Butch’s living room, staying up late to give us a lecture on “sass, class and dignity.”

It’s probably a good thing that the Outfit wasn’t always my family, since the sheer quantity of fun that we have together would probably have gotten us all arrested by now.

When we aren’t beating up opponents (and each other) on the flat track, we’re out on the town having a blast with our extended family: the fans.  If you spot the Chicago Outfit at an off-skates event, you know you’re in for a great time.  In thepast few months alone we’ve already wrestled in spaghetti, won a mini-basketball “pop-shot” tournament, used power tools while roller skating to build a boot rack, starred in a sexy burlesque show, and cheered on the yellow knight at Medieval Times.

There are so many more super fun off-skates events with Chicago Outfit this season, and they are guaranteed to be a great time.  Come to a family get together and see for yourself!  Dance with Cece Painiston and Maul E Hatchet, or have a shot with Bloody Elle at the bar.  Or hang out with me, Agony Andy, I’d love to show you how my sisters roll.

The FamilyAgony Andy